Planes, Trains, and Running Shoes

I would have no idea what was wrong with me.

Despite finding myself in the Emergency Room last night after being driven to the hospital in an ambulance with an oxygen mask on my face.

I pray to God that you never find yourself in the Emergency Room of a New York City Hospital. 

Let me preface this by saying that I used to think that panic attacks were ridiculous and that people who had them were overly dramatic and didn't know how to cope with stress.

I didn't know that "Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life and may take days to initially recover from." (Wikipedia)

Let me tell you, Wikipedia is right. So to anyone I may have scoffed at for ever having a panic attack, I'm sorry.

According to the EMTs, I was having a cumulative panic attack brought on by my body basically failing me. According to Wikipedia, panic attacks are good because they are an early warning sign that your body is failing you and the attack is basically a hormone and adrenaline rush that signals that the body is trying to defend itself from harm.

Mind you, I was feeling fine until about 4:30pm yesterday when I went to Starbucks for my 3rd cup of coffee of the day...this time with an extra shot. I don't ever drink coffee but this Finals week has left me with no other alternative for my sleep deprivation.

To recap: After getting home from a class bbq at my professor's house at 1am on Thursday night, I realized that I had lost everything I had written throughout the day for my 'Developing Countries' paper due to a file corruption caused by switching from using Word for PC to Word for Mac and back. Cue nervous breakdown. Friday after work, I spent the night desperately trying to finish the paper that I was oh so close to finishing the night before. When I didn't finish, I woke up extra early on Saturday to do so before heading to work, coming home and starting Paper #2 which I finished on Sunday morning...and then started Paper #3. By Monday night, I was at 3,000 words and in good shape. But it was 2am and I just couldn't write anymore. So I went to bed, woke up and headed to work. The plan was to go from work to class to home to finish writing my paper so I could move out of my apartment, go to class tonight and officially be on summer vacation.

That didn't go according to plan. As I was getting ready to leave work, I felt like my heart was beating really fast and I was kind of dizzy and not feeling so hot. I figured it was just the caffeine so I got on the subway and headed for class. Well, the train was held up due to signal failure ahead (I hate that announcement), and I was sitting on a crowded rush hour train trying to read The Divine Comedy on my Kindle and my heart was beating really fast and I felt really lightheaded and I just kind of collapsed. I came to a few seconds later and as soon as I got off the train, I called my friend Erin for help. By the time I walked from the subway to school (about a 2 minute walk), my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. My hands were really tingly and I was breaking out in a cold sweat and I just felt really clammy and I was having a really hard time breathing and this whole time my chest was just pounding.The EMTs initially thought I was having a heart attack (which was terrifying) but after checking me, they determined it was a panic attack, slipped an oxygen mask on me and brought me to the ER.

After being asked if I was on drugs by multiple doctors and sitting in a room in the middle of the ER with absolutely no privacy and constantly being confused for different patients, I was finally seen by a doctor who seemed utterly confused about my situation. Come on, this can't be that rare. She ordered an EKG and then they gave me tylenol (???) and told me to go home without any kind of explanation as to what was happening, why my chest was still hurting, nothing.

So I went home. My friend Erin came to the hospital and emailed all of my professors for me and they've all sent great emails in response telling me not to worry about anything which is refreshing...except that I still have to get it all done.

I went to my Primary this morning who is referring me to a cardiologist to see if anything more serious is going on.

I'm still having a lot of chest pain and still pretty stressed out about finishing up my last paper, moving out of my apartment and getting myself to Florida in one piece. I'm hoping to try and get through everything by tomorrow and that I'll be myself again in a few days but this whole experience has been pretty scary.

To be perfectly honest, I'm disappointed in myself. I've always been so on top of everything but losing that paper just screwed up everything. I should be in class right now, I should be going out for drinks tonight to celebrate finishing my first year of grad school and instead, I'm having major chest pain and I'm still not finished. As scary as all of this was, I'm disappointed in myself for not holding it together, for going to work on Monday when I should have taken the day off to finish, for not calling out of work because I cared too much what my boss would say (my last day is Thursday, why should I even care?), for drinking obscene amounts of caffeine when I know from past experiences that my body can't handle it, and finally for not finishing everything and making all of this harder on myself.

I'll let you all know how I'm doing.