Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Rock Bottom

I've heard people say that a running injury is like a break up.

Well, until this point, I've been Susie Sunshine! It'll get better sooner or later. I'll be running again in no time! This is a chance to work on all of those things that will help me be a better runner.

Well guess what. I'm fucking done.

*Please excuse the profanity. I can't promise it's going to stop as I continue to write this post.*

Yesterday, my PT told me I can start to ramp up to 4 or 5 miles, slowly.

This morning, I pried myself out of bed to get in a 4 mile run before work.

My knee gave out 2.5 miles in.

2 and a half fucking miles. It's never happened that early.

I'm done. I QUIT. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of giving it time. I TOOK 6 MONTHS OFF. I'm tired of following instructions. I did my PT exercises every day twice a day.

After Nike, I thought, well maybe I just came back too soon. After Alexandria, I thought, well maybe I just need a second opinion.

After today? I'm fucking done. I'm over it. I'm tired of being optimistic and hopeful and THINKING that this is going to get better when it's been a fucking year and it STILL isn't better despite doing EVERYTHING the doctors and therapists I'm paying a fucking FORTUNE for are telling me to do.

RUNNING is who I am. It helped my 22-year-old self through my first miserable job. It got me through grad school. It got me through my second miserable job. It was there for me when my then-boyfriend now-fiance and I went MONTHS without seeing each other. It's me and I DON'T want to give it up. Not running is NOT an option.

But at this point, I really, honestly have to ask myself. Is it worth is? Is it really fucking worth it anymore? What can I possibly do differently at this point? It's been a YEAR since this started, exactly a year, and I'm in the exact same position I was a year ago. I still haven't been able to run a solid race, hell, I still haven't been able to have a solid run.

This morning, when I headed out, I kept thinking about how much I love my running trail and how much I don't want to move at the end of this year because I love my trail so much. I've probably run on that trail 8 times this year, so does it really even matter anymore?

Right now, I'm just rambling and I'm sorry but I needed to write. I needed to get this all out and push it out to the world to see if somebody, somewhere has been through this and can tell me not to give up because it will get better, because I need that, because right now, I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep hoping for something that just isn't happening.


6 comments:

  1. *hugs* You just need to find a doctor who can figure this out with you and get you past this. I have a good running blogger friend who had crazy heel pain that plaugued her for over a year until someone was finally able to figure it out and now she is back to running ultras. Sorry you have to deal with this though :(

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  2. :( :( This makes me so bummed for you. I've never dealt with knee injuries but I hope people will (rightfully) tell you you'll eventually get better!

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  3. :( I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I can't think of anything other than I'm sorry and I love you!!!!! You don't have to respond to this comment, just know I'm thinking of you and praying that you can get that love back somehow. I think it can be possible, just wish I knew what to tell you to help!!!

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  4. Oh no, that totally sucks...I'm so sorry! Don't give up just yet, you will be able to run at some point!!

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  5. :( That is really horrible! I'm sorry you have to go through that. A couple of years ago I had to give up Taekwondo because of a back injury, so I can really sympathise. Once I was 'recovered' so not entirely without an injury but well enough to try something new I became interested in yoga and my love and practise of that grew.

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  6. Oh man, I feel your pain but I've never had to go a year. If I couldn't exercise I would feel like I didn't exist and I needed to reinvent myself. You have done so many things right. I have to think the right doctor is out there for you. Or chiropractor. Or whomever..... Take care. Wish I had some wise thoughts.

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